Selfish
by awordycontradiction
Summary: "Jackson and I are more complicated than that." Lydia attempted to reason. "Jackson is a monster!" I cried. "But, then again, so are you."
1. Chapter 1

**I have tried to write a story since Monday night. Now, it's a week later and I still keep drawing blanks. I want those two to be redeemed. So badly. I rewrote this probably seven times... as you can tell the episode bummed me out... this is a two-shot... maybe three.. and I will write another once tonight's episode comes on... I just needed this to make me feel better :)**

"Would someone _please_ tell me what the _hell_ is going on?" Lydia demanded.

Her whole body shook with her rapid confusion, her gorgeous hair tossed in the wind. She looked so timid, so alone. I wanted to grab her hand and run away. Lydia stared at us all expectantly. I exhaled a sigh of relief for the sole fact that Lydia wasn't the Kanima. She wouldn't be in danger any longer. However, then the unsettling feelings started to erupt in the pit of my stomach. If it wasn't Lydia, then it had to be- "It's Jackson." Scott whispered astonished. He took the words right out of my mouth, honestly. I wasn't expecting it to be him. Wait, I thought it couldn't be him. I turned to glare at Derek who oh so conveniently disappeared along with Boyd, Tweedledum and Tweedledum-er. I sighed before walking back into the house. Scott, Allison and a reluctant and now moody Lydia followed.

I took a seat on Scott's couch while pinching the bridge of my nose. What the hell were we going to do?

Scott had the same look. But his had a deeper meaning. Oh no. No, no, no. It was a look of worry mixed with determination. He was actually thinking of helping the bastard. I groaned, Allison took the seat next to me, giving her very pronounced look of reason.

"Again, what the hell happened? Was that Derek Hale outside? And- wait- where's Jackson?"

Her voice lost it's edge with the mention of our latest friend (ass hat) turned lizard. Something inside me ran cold, and I couldn't shake the feeling. When her question went unanswered, Lydia made her way up the steps and proceeded to call Jackson's name repeatedly throughout the McCall house.

"What the hell are we going to do?" I voiced my inner panic.

"We tell her." Came Allison's strong response.

"Are you crazy?" Scott asked, "We can't tell her. It's Lydia."

"Stiles! What do you think?" Scott demanded.

I looked from my friends then to the hardwood floor. Lydia's voice still floated around upstairs. My heart wrenched, the sound of worry too evident. Jackson didn't deserve it, not for all he put her through.

I cleared my throat before looking up into my best friend's face.

"I'm with Allison, Scott." I sighed, defeated. "It's not safe for her being so clueless."

Scott's jaw clenched. Allison went to find Lydia. I got up to pace the living room.

"Stiles-" Scott called, and I reluctantly turned to him. I know he was disappointed that I sided with Allison but she was right, things would be easier- well no, definitely not easier, but a little more bearable. I wouldn't be lying to at least one other person I cared about. She'd understand now, I could tell her that I was the one that was there with her on the lacrosse field, I could tell her that she wasn't alone. She would be able to trust me and maybe even... But Scott's face had a look of regret and disgust. It was clear to me that this wasn't about Allison, or being overruled.

"I need to tell you something." He mumbled to the ground.

It was an hour later. Mrs. McCall would be getting home from work soon. Scott and Allison had went to clean up the mess that Erica and Issac made. Leaving me alone with Lydia. She was hugging a pillow from the couch, folding into herself with a distant look. I sighed while sitting down at the opposite end. She noticed my presence and looked at me expectantly.

"You can sit closer. I'm not gonna vomit from shock. I can handle this." Came her begrudged answer.

My face twisted, my eyes narrowing at my hands. "Yeah, I'm good." I shook my head, looking away.

I was fidgeting, and sensing her eyes still on me didn't help the situation. I could get through this. I could drive Allison and Lydia home without a problem, I could lie to my dad with any story the lovebirds were cooking up in their heads. Nothing would break this sense of calm. Nothing.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were the one who was just told all about the supernatural on goings of Beacon Hills." She gave me a look of intrigue. Her eyes turning to slits to gauge every detail.

I snorted, my laugh sounding more like a scoff. Couldn't she just leave me alone? God. Whenever I want her to talk to me she can't move farther away, but now? Now she wants to make conversation?

I shook my head but remained calm. I stared at the dormant TV set in the corner. I could see our reflections in the dark empty screen. I took a deep breath and tapped my foot harder. Her next question really got me though. I mean, of course Lydia Martin would be the one to completely shatter any hope, any happiness, and contentment I had to my name. I wasn't supposed to be happy. Plain and simple.

"Are we going to go look for Jackson soon?" She whispered.

Her eyes now on the black screen, her eyes everywhere. They were suffocating me.

_Bitch._ Came my shaky thought.

That was really it. I wasn't about to sit here and act like my sky wasn't falling anymore. I wasn't going to swallow my pity and pride and make up another excuse for her. I couldn't. Her perfect green eyes widened in surprise as I jumped to my feet. Her perfect lips pursed and her head tilted to the side.

"What is it, Stiles?" She questioned with a hint of concern. Oh, no. I made her feel something.

"So are you two getting back together?" I asked crudely.  
It took her a moment to understand the question, understand the situation.

"That's not fair Stiles." She whispered.

"Oh I'm sorry Lydia, what part of any of this is fair?" I demanded.

My head was reeling, my heart in my throat constricting air to process correctly.

"God. You-you, Lydia are the most selfish person I know."

"What's wrong with knowing what you want?" She questioned.

We were fighting like a married couple, but I wasn't even sure I wanted to be her friend anymore, let alone spend forever with the strawberry blonde I've wasted my entire life on.

"Nothing. But you don't know what you want. You don't have a damn clue Lydia, okay?"

I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut so I wouldn't be tempted to start sobbing.

"You say you want someone who respects and cares about you. But you don't. You want Jackson."

There couldn't have been more venom in his name if I tried.

"You want Jackson Whittmore, captain of the Lacrosse team, grade A douche." I paused.

"He will never, ever love you like I do. Like I want to Lydia, but you can't see that. God. It really would kill you wouldn't it, to even consider dating someone like me?"

"Jackson and I are more complicated than that." Lydia attempted to reason.

"Jackson is a monster!" I cried. "But, then again, so are you."

I done it. I really, really done it. The look on her perfect face couldn't have been more hurt. But for the first time, I didn't even care. She kissed Jackson. She kissed him upstairs in Scott's room while I was fighting a freaking werewolf to save_ her_ life. I was putting my ass on the line just so she could make out with a high maintenance pretty boy who turns into a reptile at night and drops cars on people. Scott and Allison ran into the room a moment before my rant was done. Scott looked shocked and Allison pouted with concern for one of us. Or hey, maybe both of us.

At least one girl I know has a heart.

I let my breath finally catch, my heart rate was pushing normal and over all, I didn't feel any better.

I licked my lips while scratching the back of my neck. I looked from the couple to my right, and then to Lydia, who was practically looking right through me. The truth hurts, doesn't it?

"I- I gotta-" I looked at Scott helplessly. And for once, he completely understood. I nodded, gave Lydia one last look, and with that, I slammed the door.


	2. Chapter 2

My alarm went off all too soon, just letting me know in the cruelest way that this wasn't a dream. I yawned and turned over. Now, facing my door I could see the outline of my dad, he was poking his head through the open barrier and gave me a sheepish smile, in an attempt to lighten my mood.

"Are we going to talk about it?" He asked, stepping further into my room.

"No." I mumbled and pulled my covers over my head.

"You have to go to school Stiles. You've laid in bed all weekend. Get up."

"Dad, please, just this once can you respect my privacy and leave me alone?"

"Respect your privacy?" He spat, but not at all angry. Sad is more the term I'd use.

"All I do is respect your privacy Stiles. Don't you think I know you've been lying to me? That you are never home anymore? That now I'm the one listening to the police radio to make sure _you're_ okay?"

I sat up, surprised. "Dad I-"

"You're a good kid, I trust you so I don't push. But right now, I'm pushing. Get up."

He waited too, until I moved my sorry ass out of bed.

"I-" I mumbled, dumbfounded.

"No time, you're going to be late for school. Go." He nodded and left the room. The front door shut moments later. I sat back on my bed, like the wind was knocked out of me.

_I'm so oblivious._

I picked Scott up from his house because I just needed to be with someone. I dodged him all weekend, I ignored everyone. Even Allison texted me a few times to see if I was okay. I was silent from the moment he got in the jeep, and he thankfully didn't push.

"Did you catch the Met game Saturday night?" Scott asked, breaking the thick cloud of silence.

I smiled, I had to. "You hate baseball." I mumbled.

"But you don't." I turned to Scott then. This is my best friend. The kid I've known since that first day of kindergarten. I don't give him enough credit, sure a lot has happened this year, and sure he's been distant but he's my best friend, and right now I wasn't ashamed to say that I needed him.

I pulled the jeep off to the side of the road, cut the engine and laid my head on the steering wheel.

"God. Why does it hurt so bad?" I questioned above a whisper.

"I think it's called heartbreak. You know, about two million songs are written about it." He answered.

I smiled. Now where have I heard that before?

"I can't face her today, Scott." I looked up at him. "I can't."

"Yes you can."

"No, I called her a monster. I was acting like a jealous boyfriend and I hurt her."

Scott heard the tenderness in my voice, and reached over to lay a strong hand on my shoulder.

"She'll get over it. I mean, she's Lydia for crying out loud."

I know he was trying to make me feel better, but saying her name only made my stomach flip.

"We're going to be late." I mumbled,starting the jeep and getting us to school.

"Jackson's missing. His parents filed a missing person's report last night." Allison informed.

"After school I'll go look for him. He's too dangerous right now for anyone to handle"

"Did you end up telling your dad?" I asked in between the love birds eye sex.

"No." She looked away. "He'd kill Jackson."

I nodded. It sounded pretty appealing.

"How are you, really?" Allison asked softly.

I took a breath, but her eyes left mine, looking behind me.

Looking at Lydia.

I turned too, and her movement slowed. She wouldn't look at me.

"Scott, Allison." She smiled. "Stiles." She mumbled, coldly.

I sighed, muttering a _'gotta go'_ and heading anywhere but here.

This was weird. I was so used to ogling over Lydia Martin. So used to pinning away and trying to match her pace, just so I could see her. Tried so hard to catch her eye, or smile at her, or talk to her. And now? Now I'm walking away from a situation like we just broke up. Because even though she doesn't have those feelings about me, and probably just tolerated me because of Allison, I felt like something was there. Like when she held my hand ice skating a week and a half ago, or almost let me in that night she cried in her car. I started to think she trusted me, really believed in the friendship she so loosely labeled. She had to feel something. And now it was gone.

School was a haze, a dark, long, emotional-less haze. All I wanted to do was go home. This wasn't me, but now it somehow was. I never really thought about a life without Lydia. Even when she didn't talk to me she was still there, just for show. But now, she distorted every feeling I've ever felt for her. She took it all away and I couldn't forgive that. I couldn't forgive myself either, for putter her so high.

I made it home, promising to call Scott if I heard anything about Jackson on the police radio, and headed up to my room to lay in bed and wallow. What was I? A teenage girl?

"Oh my god." I jumped when I entered my room and realized I wasn't alone.

"What the hell?" I yelled, running a hand over my growing hair.

"Sorry." She mumbled, I sensed amusement.  
"How did you get in here?"

I demanded throwing my backpack down and propping myself against the door.

"The window." She deadpanned.

I looked at the window above my desk, debating how she'd be able to climb.

"The front door genius." She spat. "Obviously." Her eyes rolled.

I scoffed and took a seat in my desk chair.

"What do you need, Lydia?" I asked.

"To talk." It was simple, and not at all what I wanted.

"I'm actually busy. Rain check?" I retorted.

"No Stiles. You're going to talk to me."

She almost sounded like me at that stupid dance Allison tricked her into going to with me.

"I honestly, and Lydia this may come as a shock to the both of us, have nothing to say to you."

"Well I have something to say to you."

Lydia stood up, looking adorably- no annoyingly determined.

"What you said Friday night, that really hurt me Stiles." She began.

"And we both know I'm not one to admit when I'm hurt." That is true..

"I do not have to answer to you, Stiles. I can kiss, or talk to or do whatever I want to whoever I want."

She bit her lip.

"You're not my dad, or my boyfriend, or my keeper. And you had no right to act the way you did."

Lydia sat back down now, I could literally see the anger leave her green eyes.

"But you were right." She mumbled. No more fire to her words.

"I am selfish. I am so, so selfish." She put her head down.

"I had a laps of judgment kissing Jackson that night, and both our feelings aside, I know all the lengths you have gone to, to keep me safe."

"What?" I asked. "How?"

"Allison told me. You were there that night on the lacrosse field and you were at the hospital every day, and you ran around the woods looking for me, and you- you-" She stopped.

"You deserve someone great." She finished.

It was a simple statement. Usually one I never had any feeling towards. It's what my mom used to say, it's what relatives that don't even know you say, it's something I never really wanted Lydia to say.

It means that you aren't the one. It means that they never bothered to take your feelings into consideration. It means that there was no chance in hell she was going to ever like me. Ever.

"You deserve someone who is going to care about you in a way I don't think I could."

I got up, and paced the length of my room. Was she letting me down or trying to get me not to hate her?

I really couldn't tell. All I know is that it hurt like a bitch.

"Why are you here, Lydia?" I asked again.

"I just told-" She started, furrowing her brows.

"No, you wouldn't come all the way here just to tell me that you're not good enough, that you're not going to ever feel that way because you don't care about things like that. You live in the stupid moment, and kissing Jackson was so in the moment and yeah, you're right. It isn't my business who you kiss. But now, now that Jackson is dangerous, more than usual, it is. Because maybe I deserve someone great, but Lydia I haven't been able to think of another girl in eight years, you're it for me."

I watched her eyes swell with tears I never dreamed she'd cry for me.

"and secretly I think you enjoy that a little too much to honestly mean any of this."

"Because I'm selfish?" She answered solemnly

"No, because you're human. And human is something I need right now."

I could never hate her. I wasn't sure if that made me happy or pathetic. Maybe Lydia wasn't the one, maybe one day, far from now, I will find a girl who is perfect for me, but even though she kissed Jackson and let herself feel something for him again, and even though she was sitting here telling me that she could never love me, I'm not giving up on her. She is going to be so much more than this one day. So much more than the girl that was in a series of 'animal attacks' or Jackson Whittmore's ex girlfriend. She is going to show the world that she's brilliant and beautiful and everything I see when I look at her. Maybe I do deserve someone great, someone who is nothing like Lydia Martin but right now, I am too tired to care, and too involved to look back.

But things needed to change.


End file.
